About Your Pride and My Prejudice

Chapter 85:

After that day, Monica did not appear in the annex. Had she already figured out why Alan was interested in me?

If its really like that, Id like to know.

What I found out after about ten lunches with herand of course I never really talked to her except for the last daywas, in general, not good.

How long have Alan and Monica been together,how special they are to each other and the conviction that there is no room for me to intervene. What a perfect match for two rose-like people, how shabby I am in comparison were things I wish I hadnt known.

Maybe its a good thing. Thanks to this, I think Ill be able to meet Alan again with a cool and rational face. No matter how much Alan Leopold puts his lips on the back of my hand and wipes my tears with his handkerchief with meaningless kindness, I will be able to shake it all off now.

Still, Alan didnt come back, so the progress of writing my novel was slow. Due to the melancholic summer rain that continued day after day, my body and mind were damp.

If I kill time like this, my firm resolution that I made for the first time in a while may fizzle out. Until Alan Leopold comes back and finds me, Ill have to diligently reflect on my commitment and greet him in the strongest and most prepared state.

So I opened my diary and picked up a pen. The diary, filled with miscellaneous scribbles, was not a diary, but rather like a museum displaying traces of past anguish.

[What to say when I meet Alan.

1. The story of Mr. Maurice.

2. Tobias Miller: Ask him the whole story of how he got Tobias involved in the terrible accident, whether he is fully reflecting on this misdeed, and how hes going to apologize. (If theres no sign of self-reflection, Ill reprimand him and remind him. By the way, will there be a day when I meet Toby again?)

3. Ask him if all he really wants from me is Moons Paradise and promise me that hell let me out of here when I complete the novel. Memorandum, if possible.

4. As a courtesy to the times Melissa Collins had spent to love Alan Leopold, Alan is to apologize for making her regret those times.

As part of his apology, he is to explain in detail what kind of person he was. (Including the family story that he didnt tell me after he heard my secret.)

5. Asking for a respectful apology as kissing me arbitrarily is clearly rude.

6. Get a promise to notify me in advance if he is unable to return home for a long time.]

Is this enough? Is there anything missing?

Oh, I almost forgot one important thing.

Yes, this cant be left out. I have to hear everything about what circumstances and how he stalked me, what brought me here, the real reason for bringing me, when he started planning, etc.

With a satisfied smile as I rotated the pen, I quickly wrote down two more things.

This is to show my determination not to be dragged around by him any more, and number 6 is. Its natural to have a responsibility as the person who brought me in, right?

Of course you have to take responsibility. Youre not going to let me out right now.

After looking through what I had written with a determined face, I thought about writing a few more things, but I stopped because I was not confident of remembering them all. I cant even take this diary and read it out.

Still, I think everything necessary is included. I felt much lighter when I got my thoughts organized.

After that, I went back to my normal life.  Writing novels without much progress, learning the Lunoa language from Sandra little by little, fumbling through books in the Lunoese language, spending awkward times with Mr. Maurice, who comes once a week, and writing down letters that I couldnt send.

Is it because I fell asleep suddenly? This languid and boring daily life passed quickly like an arrow that was shot without any resistance.

In the meantime, there was never a day when I didnt think of Alan Leopold. From the thought of just wanting to see his face, the frustration of only being able to wait for him, to the new anger that pours in every time I remembered his past deeds. He really makes me feel various emotions.

Oh, there was a time when he appeared in my dreams. There were  two such incidents. The contents were the same, but it was a dream that he came to me wearing silver armour like a knight from history.

Armed with cold iron, Alan looked cooler, and I could hear the clashing of metal as he strode closer. I stood trembling slightly, wondering if he had come to kill me.

But suddenly, Alan knelt reverently in front of me, so I held out my hand as if possessed.

On that hand, he kissed like an oath. First, on the back of my hand and then on each finger, he offered a sincere kiss as if he were a knight who came back alive after the war.

And when he finally lifted his gaze, the dawn-like eyes, just as darkness had cleared and dawn had opened, pierced me.

I woke up in horror at the sight of a terrible desire in it.

Its already the third same dream.

I fell asleep while reading a book. I hope I dont get sick tomorrow.

I stretched slowly, repositioning myself. I dont know how deep was that blade-like gaze, that even after returning to reality, I still think that my heart is still numb. 

Miss.

At that moment, Sandra, who entered the room, said urgently.

The young master is back. Ill help you prepare.

Oh.

It was one late summer night, two and a half months after I last saw Alan.

* * *

The place he called me to was the office of the main building.  It was dark in the room where only one candle was burning quietly.

He was standing with his back against a wooden table cluttered with papers, with his head bowed softly. The mess on the table was somehow not like Alan. The faint moonlight glimmered like a mist over his shoulder.

Alan didnt look back as if he didnt know I came in. I wondered if he was deep in thought or if he had any concern was worried.

Alan.

I called him urgently. It still didnt feel real that he was in front of me yet, and his back in the hazy moonlight was exceptionally dim. So I was afraid that he would disappear like a mirage.

The neck exposed above the collar was as noble as white snow.

Alan.

I impulsively ran to him and hugged him by the waist. A flat, hard back and a subtle body temperature. The sweet and bitter scent of rose vines and wet soil.

Thank God, its not a dream.

Oh.

As soon as I realized it, I pulled my arms back like I was burned.

Am I still not awake? Where did the courage to say the words to Alan go? Just as I tried to beat myself up like that, I suddenly realized.

The fact that I was missing him more than I thought.

At that moment Alan looked back at me.

.

He was always as white and pale as the moon, but today he seemed to be in danger for some reason. The shiny gray eyes with blue light were as clear as showing off their presence in the dark, but there were emotions resembling sadness and hopelessness

There are days when Alans eyes glow like this.  Somehow, I felt like I had seen his hidden secrets.

Melissa.

If you have to go on a business trip like this  you should have told me.

Obviously, this was not the intention, but my voice shook strangely. Like a whining child.

Alan, who was staring at me, narrowed the distance and grabbed me by the shoulder. His body size, which is one head taller than me, obscured the moonlight that was pouring over me. Instead, his dark shadow cast over me.

.

A sense of intimidation and tension engulfed me. My heart thumped. His blue-gray eyes were as persistent as trying to dig into me. There was no escape from his body and gaze. I just held my breath. as if standing on the edge of a cliff

Nevertheless, his grip on my shoulder was surprisingly cautious.

Melissa, Troy.

I watched his lips gently open.

Answer me. What happens to Troy?

Troy?

For some reason Alan was asking about my novel. Is it the illusion created by this strange darkness that his voice sounds strangely desperate?

He lived by deceiving everyone. Even to himself. What the hell was that deception for?

That.

There are moments like that sometimes. Sometimes you just want to hear a story. Anything that happens outside of reality.

Troy has an old wound.

I whispered, thinking maybe thats how Alan feels now.

The wound grew at an alarming rate. It was already big enough to swallow him all while he was still a child..

.

So its not like deception. Its only natural to look clumsy sometimes. The young Troy, covered in scars and weeping, still lives in his heart.

So I want to soothe him, hug him. 

Its all right. Youre doing great. 

Was what I wanted to tell Alan  tonight, when he seems to be anxious.. With that in mind, I gently leaned my cheek against Alans wrist, which stretched over my shoulder.

Is that all?

Then I could feel Alans hand being strained.

Can he eventually be free? The ideal that he longed for even in the midst of fears

.

Can he find it?

Its a strange thing. I felt like Alan, who asked me that, was like a small animal that relied on me. As if my answer were his salvation.

Of course I know its ridiculous. How could he, who is so high and so great, lean on me, who is so small and insignificant.

Nevertheless, I answered while looking into his eyes.

Yes.

At that moment, Alan hugged my head. The comfort of being in his arms was deeper than eternity.

But suddenly he hurriedly pulled himself off. It had only been a few seconds since he held me in his arms. Saying the following  words to me with a confused face, 

Thats it for today.

I still.

Alan sighed as I tried to return to his arms. He seemed to be angry, or he seemed to be holding back his anger.

Its better to go back.

I couldnt resist him, who spoke strangely with a strong voice, so I just bit my lips. I wish I had the courage to say I wanted to be hugged more.

Is he tired from the long business trip? Of course he will. Maybe he wants to catch up on his work or organize his thoughts before he goes to bed.

Okay, still, I hope you find me again sooner or later. I have something to say.

.

And if you have to travel far in the future.

Then Alan leaned in my ear.

Ill tell you. Im sorry.

The breathy whisper made me shiver.

Okay, go now.

.

It was a pity that I couldnt hug him again, and when I looked up, his blue-gray eyes, which had always been cool, were twinkling.

Alans lips touched and fell lightly on my cheek the moment I realized that those eyes were remarkably similar to those I had seen in my dream. It was very fleeting.

T/N: I relate with Alan so much here, to be honest in your life you are so lost that you arent sure of anything at some point, it makes you feel like quitting everything because you dont see any end to this hellish misery.

In my life I had a similar situation and after hearing those words from someone who is important to me I strangely felt light that I literally thought I might die soon because I was feeling so light hearted.

Here, for Alan, Melissa is a very important person, she wrote a novel with a character so much the same as Alan even with his original name that he wants to hear the words of him getting out of this misery soon.