How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis

Chapter 391: All Fired Up

Only a fool goes to war without a plan. Of course, many fools go to war with a plan, and suffer the same fate. Depends on the plan. And on the counter-plan. You have to take your enemy into account.

I had never been to war, my generation not being the greatest one, or even the second-greatest. Actually, I dont think were in the top fifty. Thats not to say I wouldnt manage I can handle an Xbox controller as good as anyone. Drone Pilot Colin reporting for duty, two thousand miles from the frontlines.

While modern warfare requires less and less on-the-ground intervention, in this world it was still heavily reliant on hand-to-hand combat. But gaming didnt just teach you the requisite skills to murder people at Yemenese weddings, (although there arent really many other uses for an Xbox controller who the fuck plays on an Xbox?).

Thanks to my many years sitting alone in a one-bedroom flat fighting wars against superior foes with underlevelled troops, I had a solid grasp of the fundamentals. Zerg and zerg hard, that was all you needed to know.

I had the added advantage of being able to play RTSWP in an RTS setting. RTS real-time strategy is where you make your moves at the same time as your opponent. Whoever makes the most actions per minute (APM) has a massive advantage. Assuming both sides have a good understanding of how to play, the person who sends out instructions the quickest will win. That and being Korean.

You have units all over the map, engaging, surveying, building and firing. You have to tell them what to do in real-time, moment by moment. Micromanagement at supersonic speed. Why the Koreans excel at this, I have no idea.

But RTSWP real-time strategy with pauses is also a thing. Thats where you can literally freeze the action and have a think about what the best course of action. Sound familiar?

Its a much easier way to play. Against a computer that can think through millions of permutations a second, it isnt really fair unless youre also allowed to process the information youre being inundated with.

Against another player, it isnt necessary. Against another player who is operating without pausing, it isnt fair.

My ability made going into battle a lot easier. I didnt have to go in with a fully-formed plan (which was lucky), I could react on the bounce.

Yes, it was a cheese strategy. I got to set my objectives without the pressure of rush and hustle. I could still make the wrong choices, but it wouldnt be from panic or a lack of time. It would just be regular stupidity.

And at least it wasnt a turn-based attack system. That JRPG shit twenty-minute fight every time you have a random encounter with a slime will bore you to death.

Joshaya went through five large monsters of various species before hed raised the occupants of this field of nightmares. Once he realised he wasnt going to have the life sucked out of him personally, he got on with it at a fair clip. His sticking point seemed to have been the idea that he could use the thing he was meant to produce to increase production, like a worker afraid to use the companys money to buy new and better machinery to make better quality goods. You have to spend money to make money, and its always best if its somebody elses money.

It demonstrated how intimidated he was within the fairy hierarchy. If he had decided to use up a resurrected body for his own preservation, the Fairy Queen might have got mad at him. There are guys like that, who are big and strong but are cowed by the women in their lives. I think its a psychological issue, and I think its caused by early onset mothering. Joshayas mum was an arsehole, Id put money on it.

That was my interpretation, but it didnt make me sympathetic towards him. His issues were valid, but they werent my problem. His current behaviour was down to him.

Even though the battle that had taken place in this field had been between men and monsters, I showed no favouritism. Both sides would be working for me from now on

The human faction were in pretty good nick. Their armour and weapons had aged well and none of them were skeletons. I mean, they looked fucking awful, but the ground had preserved them pretty well. A plum to prunes change both perfectly serviceable, one more likely to give you the shits.

Caim recognised a lot of them, but they did not reciprocate his tearful greetings. They were able to move and swing their weapons when instructed, but that was about it. The monsters, on the other hand, were much more friendly with each other, and while they didnt talk or anything like that, they clearly retained some of their memories.

It might be that my observations were tainted by my general dislike of humans (including myself) and that my tendency to see monsters as more sincere and reasonable was some sort of confirmation bias. I dont think thats true, but then thats exactly what someone with deep-seated antipathy toward humanity would say, so who the fuck knows?

I could only go with my own judgement, and to me it seemed Joshayas power brought back monsters more intact than people. Which didnt meant the people wouldnt be able to catch up, but it was something to be aware of.

There were thousands of them by the end of the day. Joshaya was able to control them all, which was impressive. Making them was the hard part, keeping them on a leash was apparently much easier for him. It did, however, make Joshaya the weak point in our set up. Take him out and the whole thing falls apart.

The army I had gathered was a horrifying sight. Unlike the bodies Joshaya had recovered in Gorgoth, these werent in peak condition. The monsters consisted of lizardmen, armoured bears, big-headed, pointy-eared dwarfs I assumed were goblins, various demi-humans with cat, dog and rodent features. Giants, ogres and trolls, although they look tougher and more buff than their modern counterparts. And then a variety of large animals that I couldnt name because either they were too mutilated or they werent anything like the animals I was used to.

Obviously, I could have just asked, but why bother? I try to keep a professional distance from anyone I might have to lead to their deaths (so everyone).

The human contingent were all great warriors of the past, apparently. Many of them were Visitors and had powers and abilities that would come in useful. Possibly. It would take a while for them to come back online.

They looked a bit of a mess, covered in mud and with grass growing on them, and they moved a bit stiffly, but they were more or less functional.

How long to get them to Fengarard? I asked Joshaya.

Two days, if we march through the night.

The dead dont need to take breaks, as long as theyre not unionised.

That should be enough time to get some of the kinks out, I said like I knew what the fuck I was talking about. Try to get them cleaned up a bit if you can. Off you go then.

Arent you coming? asked Caim, all suspicious that I might run off and never come back. Abandonment issues; probably had a dad who went out for smokes and never came back. Its not just bad mothers who ruin everything, I have an open mind, I can hate on parents of all types.

I left something in Gorgoth, I said. Dont worry, Ill catch up.

Daddy, no, please

What do you want me to do when we get there? asked Caim, pretending he didnt care if I showed up to his school recital or not.

Just set up camp. If anyone attacks you on the way, kill them quickly and keep moving. I could do nonchalance, too.

Id realised as Id waited on Joshaya that simply turning up at Fengarad with an army wasnt going to earn me an automatic win. My preference was for them to surrender immediately and for there to be no fighting whatsoever. In order to do that, I needed to force them into compliance, probably by giving them a damn good hiding.

Its not easy thinking proactively when youre used to playing defence. Reacting to other people with a way to stop them is much easier. Originating the scenario takes a lot more effort, and it gives them the chance to block you. Which is what you want to do if youre in a walled city. Dont let anyone in, pour burning oil from the battlements, dont provide cheap parking cities have a siege mentality even when they arent under siege.

I took the dragon back to Gorgoth with Flossie, Dudley and Damicar. Caim and Joshaya set off, neither looking very sure of himself, but Caim had his druid zealots (The Druid Zealots!!! Come to our show, free lima bean soup and heavy metal music until you puke), and Joshaya had an army at his back. It wasnt like I was leaving them isolated and alone. Although isolated and alone is very underrated.

It wasnt exactly Gorgoth I wanted to go to. My plans were somewhat fluid, which I think is a good thing. People become very fixed in their thinking, like theyre stuck watching an unskippable cutscene (malaria can be eradicated at any time, why isnt the Bill Gates Foundation tackling this plague?), but switching tactics when you see a better solution is common sense. It also helps if you have a dragon to nip around on.

Joshaya had pointed out where Captain Somya was now, and Dudley was able to home in on the ship using his remote viewing skill. It was a new ship, his previous one having sunk, and the borrowed one was still in the city square. It wasnt the captain or his ship I was after, though.

We caught up the ship a little after dawn. The crew were delighted to see me, by which I mean they expressed no emotion at all. I took that as a positive.

They were all dead men, and yet they functioned very well this far from Joshaya. His ability was more than simply adding puppet strings, but like most mysteries of this world, the answers wouldnt fall into my lap via a conveniently found tome or a passing wise stranger. The fantasy stories Id grown up reading had painted the universe as much more cooperative than it actually was. How was I supposed to use all this information to my advantage if Jack Vance had been lying to me all these years?

You want to know how my dolls work? said Mrs Somya. No, no, no. I cant share my secrets with just anyone who happens to drop out of the sky on the back of a dragon. Where would it end?

It would end after the first time since no one else had a dragon to drop by with.

Please, this is important. And it will ensure your son wont be dragged into any more of my adventures. It says a lot about me that my most effective way to threaten people is to suggest I might force them to hang out.

Well, if you put it like that Mrs Somya was no fool. It was obvious she was a powerful being who could shake shit up if she had a mind. Thankfully, she preferred to go sailing with her boy. I wasnt entirely sure he was very happy about it.

I just need a rough idea, nothing too complex.

I see, said the blind old woman. Well, my dear, basically, I enter the mind on three operational levels, the conscious, the unconscious, and the cellular. Influence is most effective with confluence of all three levels, of course. The doll supplements my understanding of the victim in an intimate and deeply unsanitary level, hehehe. She grinned and chuckled while her milky-white eyes stared into nothingness. The doll is created from the image, not the wood, and the substance of the original in the form of hair or skin or excrement she chuckled again is merely to create a bond that is specific, not supernatural. You see, now?

Theres really no need to keep trade secrets hidden when no one can tell what the fuck youre talking about.

What I want to know, I said, is if its just people you can make dolls of.

People? No, no, my dear. Anyone or anything can create a sympathy.  What did you have in mind?

I explained what I wanted her to do and she was quite taken with suggestion.

Ive never tried it, but I like the idea. I like it a lot. In fact, Id like to see it for myself. Was she really even blind? It could all be an elaborate ruse to put people off their guard.

Captain Somya was slightly worried at the prospect of his mother leaving him, and at the same time, greatly relieved. He was an emotionless corpse, so I may have been projecting.

The dragon took us back to the army of the dead now stationed outside Fengarads walls. The undead had made excellent time by not stopping to eat, sleep, or shit sort of like travelling with Ryanair, only not quite so soulless.

They were massed outside the city, standing in lines twenty deep, both monsters and humans bound together harmoniously, like Spurs fans and Gunners fans united in their disgust for Sergio Ramos.

Fengarads gates were closed and guards stood on the battlements, watching the hordes of unliving horrors and ready to shit themselves not as effective as burning oil when it came to stopping us climbing the walls, but you had to respect the effort.

I left Mrs Somya with Dudley to prepare the big finisher while I went and found Caim and Joshaya.

You returned, said Caim. He had his armour on and his sword out.

Yes, you miserable fuck. If I was going to leave Id have said so. Honestly, the boy had issues. Have they said anything?

Joshaya handed me a scroll. They sent a messenger with this.

I opened it. There was a very short message: Please go away. Were very busy.

Neville Chamberlain would have been proud.

Hey, open up I wanted my voice to be commanding and authoritative, but it came out garbled and whiney. I cleared my throat.

Do you want me to do it? asked Caim in a deep baritone.

Shut the fuck up, I said. Not exactly a morale booster, but we cant all sound like Morgan Freeman.

Hes very touchy isnt he? said Angel Rose.

Yeah, said Flossie. Its because he got dumped. He acts all cold and aloof, but hes a cuddler, really. Likes a nice cuddle in the morning. Dont try to deny it, she told me.

I was seriously considering ordering the troops to aim all artillery on my position, go down for a noble cause (removing these idiots from the gene pool was worth a chestful of posthumous medals). Sadly, we didnt have any artillery. If we had, Id have climbed into the nearest canon and sent myself sailing off, So long suckers.

We dont want to fight you, called out a voice from the walls.

Who is that? I asked, squinting.

Ah, I believe its the king, said Dudley, who had appeared next to me with Mrs Somya and a large table with a sheet over it. Some of the undead were helping her without being ordered to, which tells you all you need to know about her powers.

I preemptively cleared my throat. Open up and come out with your hands up, I shouted.

No, thank you, said the king.

Fine, have it your way. I indicated to Dudley and he removed the sheet.

On the table was a wooden model of Fengarad. It was pretty accurate and the workmanship wasnt bad for a rush job. Dudleys roving eye had helped give Mrs Somya the details, and shed done the rest with her whittling knife. Most of it had been done on the dragons back, and then theyd assembled it here.

It was the wall, the buildings and the spires.

People arent the only ones who recognise symbology. A connection between objects was possible for all entities, Id seen it myself in the adjacent world. Everythings connected, apart from me.

Light it up, I said.

The model of Fengarad went up in flames. A few minutes later, the people in the real city started screaming.