I Should Have Just Died

Seidrick pulled out the cigar and asked.

Since when?

Perhaps it was after Kendrick left that he started smoking the most violent cigars. He felt like a weak spider in front of a huge world. Smoking a cigar doesn’t mean he can forget it, but the cigar smoke that fills up the lungs was a little comforting.

Seidrick opened the office window with a familiar touch.

As always he met Alyssa in the garden and smoked a cigar on the way back.

When his emotional state is pushed to the point where he can’t control it, he is quick to bite a cigar.

His anger subsided when his head was dazed by the violent smoke.

There was still no disagreement that Alyssa and Seidrick were in a bad relationship, but something caught in his mind.

That smile.

Alyssa’s white smile.

Seeing such a bright smile, as if she had nothing to do with Avery’s sin, seemed to have made Seidrick a sinner. Meeting her sparkling eyes.

He must leave this mansion as soon as possible.

To a place where things related to Alyssa cannot be heard or seen. The Seidrick now doesn’t have room to think about her. He must support Cambridge on behalf of Kendrick and protect Ophelia and her mother as well.

‘Alyssa…’

Seidrick rubbed the cigar with a long sigh.

“Butler.”

“Yes, sir.”

“Tell the Knights, strengthen mother and Ophelia’s protection. Let the knights in plain clothes accompany them even when they enter the castle.”

“I will tell them that.”

Seidrick slowly lifted his gaze from the desk. Alyssa, who has already entered his boundary, scrapes his cramped inside.

Seidrick, frowning, recited in a low voice.

“…Attach people to Princess Alyssa. Don’t let her get hurt.”

The butler’s face was surprised, but he soon resolved his feelings. It is not unusual for the duke to protect the duchess. That’s why he said so.

At Seidrick’s gesture, the butler left the office.

The cold breeze sweeps through the office, where the smell of a cigar remains. As if to leave no trace.

Seidrick touched the desk.

Life doesn’t go the way you want. Looking at Alyssa, he thinks he’s going crazy feeling guilty toward Kendrick. Why the hell, why…

His head was sore.

Alyssa Avery is too complicated for him.

Feelings of guilt, hatred, anger, compassion, and all sorts of mixed emotions were pointing towards Alyssa. Seidrick’s fingers were tightened as if digging into the desk.

“I have to move up the schedule…”

As Alyssa advised Seidrick, he went to Cambridge-related people in the capital to collect the investment. They were very excited about the new type of business and they were able to sign the contract without difficulty in Kendrick’s name.

Thanks to Alyssa’s advice, they made progress.

He doesn’t know why she keeps throwing stones into Seidrick’s calm and general routine. Of course, he knows it doesn’t make it go the wrong direction. That’s why Seidrick’s face collapsed even more with guilt.

It is difficult just to hold on, but it seems that someone keeps pulling his ankle.

‘Brother… I’d rather… It would have been better if I had died.’

Cambridge wouldn’t have lost its successor, so it wouldn’t have been shaken, and Kendrick and Alyssa’s marriage would have progressed as scheduled. However, he knew this was also a cowardly imagination.

Transparent tears gathered around Seidrick’s eyes.

All the emotions he feels right now would have been for Kendrick. Just because they were alive wouldn’t have meant a happy ending. However, for Seidrick, this life was better to die. They can only hope for the future because they are alive and will get better.

‘I’d rather be dead…”

Still, the reason he can’t stop thinking about it is probably that he longs for Kendrick.

***

Seidrick came to the garden in a long time, dressed in the gardener’s outfit.

The reason he came to see Alyssa before leaving for the south was to tell her not to wait. Alyssa seemed to wait for Seidrick. He couldn’t just ignore the fact that she said he was her friend.

What he held in his hands was dry foxtail

grass, symbolizing the biting autumn. On the way, when he saw the foxtail, the memories of his childhood come to mind.

‘Aarrrrrr! Kendrick! It’s got to be Seidrick!’

Ophelia, who was running with her cheeks blushing like an apple with a bright smile, and Seidrick were hiding. Kendrick was chasing after Ophelia. It must have been the end of autumn. It was a day when a new white cloud drifted gently in the deep blue sky and the shadow of the bare trees with only branches fell on the ground.