Only Villains Do That

1.34 In Which the Dark Lord Attempts to Civilize the Natives

So obviously, I made magic my project of the week.

I was at it again the next morning, immediately following a solid nights sleep and a hearty breakfast of crawn stew. Because, oh yes, here on Ephemera we ate crawns. Lowborn did, anyway; in fact, they seemed to be the chief source of protein for the lower classes in Fflyr Dlemathlys, which might explain why the peasants here were so physically robust, given how abundant they were. Skittering and crawling everywhere, like rats or roaches and filling more or less the same ecological niche. The umbrella term crawn referred to dozens of species of little arthropods ranging from mouse-sized to ferret-sized, with between four and eighteen legs, which could be found wherever there was any speck of food to be sniffed out and consumed. You didnt even have to hunt for meat, just set traps in your kitchen.

For obvious reasons I was leery of this practice; eating tiny scavengers is an excellent way to acquire diseases and parasites. Apparently the Fflyr were aware of this, to judge by how offended Aster was when I asked if they ate rats, too. Biribo claimed the biology of crawns made them a kind of living disinfectant, turning any manner of organic muck into safe and usable protein in which microorganisms couldnt survive. For the same reason you had to cook them thoroughly as raw crawn meat would make a person sick. I doubted the people here understood about the microbiome in the human gut, but it made sense.

They werent bad. Sort of like shellfish. Once the Fflyr got finished putting all their peppers and spices in everything, it all tasted kind of the same anyhow. At least crawn stew was filling and gave you a nice boost of energy to start the day.

Thus, I had a lot more strength and mental focus when I set up in the mess hall with a pot of the spicy-sweet tea (which to my own surprise I had begun to like) to practice my spell combination. Harold and Kasser were off to the side at another table, Harold making crossbow parts while Kasser had switched to crafting lamp stands; already the room was lit by every scavenged wine bottle we could scrape together, each filled with a light slime and corked. They were just kinda sitting around on tables and in the corners, though. Also the light was fairly dim and discolored due to the cheap bottles. I was already planning to see about acquiring some higher-quality glass containers next time I saw Auldmaer.

Actually, I was a little embarrassed I hadnt thought of doing this before; fire slimes put off too much heat for the purpose but healing slimes also glowed. It was pink mood lighting, but hey, that beat paying for asauthec. And itd be convenient to have them all over the place, too. Cut your finger? Unscrew the lid off the nearest lamp and stick your hand in it.

On that note, I began my mornings efforts with the last, much-anticipated simple combinations Id been too worn out to get to last night. I had packed it in right after discovering Slimeshot and hauled myself to bed, but now I tested what I could make by combining my new base spells with Heal.

Somewhat to my surprise, they both worked.

Heal and Windburst combined to create Breath of Vitality, which was very pretty and not very useful. It created a gentle breeze which smelled of flowers and carried lovely little curls of pink and pale green sparkles. This seemed to have the effect of boosting overall well-being and would work to heal injuries the longer they were exposed to it. That was a factor as this spell had some intriguing components: it could be streamed continuously as long as I concentrated on it, and by focusing I could adjust the width and range of the spray, rather like turning the nozzle on a spray bottle. That fascinated me because neither of its parent spells had such characteristics; Heal and Windburst were both single-shot one-and-done casts.

Junko really enjoyed Breath of Vitality; she liked to chase the sparkles. This was good because she also wanted to chase the sparkles made by Sparkspray and at least this wouldnt set her fur on fire.

The other healing combination I produced added Heal to Orb of Lights effect to create Healing Beacon, which was justan Orb of Light, but pink, and which healed you as long as you were in range of the glow. The effect was more pronounced the closer you were.

Neither was particularly impressive in effect. As Biribo had explained how healing magic worked, it mostly relied on specific spells to treat specific ailments. Vague, broadly healing spells needed to be grossly overpowered like Heal itself to be much good, or you could find yourself taking hours to remedy a broken bone, minutes to seal a cut, or just prolong the suffering of someone dying of a terminal illness.

I got to test the potency of these new healing spells because Sakin, passing through the mess hall on his way back to the barracks wing the crew were cleaning out with a fresh bucket of water, immediately volunteered to repeatedly injure himself. Which he then did with absolutely none of the hesitation a human being will normally have to break his foot under a heavy table or stab himself in the arm with a kitchen knife.

I did not ask him to do so, nor would I have, he just up and did it. Grinning cheerfully, and apparently happier to be doing this than cleaning the barracks. Classic Sakin.

Well, good to know the combinations work, but those are a waste of time, I said after giving him a proper Heal. With the original spell, piddly stuff like that is completely useless.

I can think of a big use for em, said Aster, who had just come to see what was taking Sakin so long. Remember how your cover story at the Kings Guild was that you only know a few minor medical spells? I thought that would be the end of it, but apparently Rhydion himself remembered, and we know he wants you to come heal for his zombie quest. Well, now if youre ever backed into a corner and have to bust out weak healing magic to support your claims, you have some. Before yesterday youd have been forced to reveal youve only got the single most potent healing spell in existence. Yknow, the same one the mysterious Healer uses?

Hm. I nodded. Actually, youre dead right, Aster. Well spotted. Okay, so weve gained nothing in the way of healing capacity, but some useful tricks for subterfuge.

Junko barked, wagging her tail and staring expectantly at her with her ears up. I sighed and directed a wide stream of Breath of Vitality off to the side, and she began leaping ecstatically through it, snapping at the dissipating sparkles.

And a new dog toy, Sakin said solemnly. This is a vital addition to your resources, Lord Seiji.

All right, funs over, Aster ordered, giving him a light shove on the shoulder. Back to work.

You think that was fun? Sakin protested, albeit with good humor while he headed off toward the hall alongside her. Did you see what I was doing?

Yes, I did, and knowing you? Yes, I do.

Well, when youre right, youre right!

Unfortunately, that was the last experiment of the day that qualified as a success.

The next goal on which I set my sights was the combination of Spark, Summon Slime, and Windburst which Slimeshot had inspired in me, because I wanted my damn napalm cannon.

In short, it didnt work.

It could work, and that kept me trying throughout the morning. I could tell the difference, from the first attempt, between a spell combination that was just not going to be possible and one which I hadnt managed to make work yet. In the first, there was an obvious barrier, a sense that these two components were not going to click. The big issue with this whole system was that in the latter case, I couldnt tell how to make it work. It was a process of pure, blind fumbling at the best of timesand when it came to the mental strain of trying to hold three blocks of spell structure in my head at once and fit them all together, it became blind, exhausting fumbling.

I suspected that the cap of three spells per combination wasnt a hard limit, but just something a human brain couldnt surpass. I tried it with four, and couldnt manage to make them all coexist simultaneously in the semi-activated state needed to combine them. I tried harder, and immediately had to Heal the splitting headache which ensued.

In fact, I ended up having to do that quite a lot over the course of the morning.

It was just so damn frustrating. If only I understood the rules, could read the luminous text that appeared in my minds eye and shifted about in response to my inept manipulation. There was a rational system at the bottom of all this, somewhere; the process was not as vague and intuitive as my practice of it was. I just didnt know how it worked, and trying to make it work when I couldnt directly comprehend any of the underlying logic waswell, it was less than optimal.

I was certain of some kind of guiding structure beneath all the flash and spectacle due to the hours Id spent over the last few weeks pondering the nature of magic; there wasnt a lot to do but think during my long walks to and from Gwyllthean. The arbitrary specifics of Heal were revelatory once I considered their implications. Why did it not replace lost limbs when it clearly had the capacity to generate mass out of apparently nothing? It obviously wasnt an issue of figuring out where to put that mass; the rest of what it could do was intricate enough to prove that. Why shouldnt it work to remedy hunger, thirst, and fatigue? Creating matter and precisely adjusting the body on a molecular level should be able to deal with all of those. And why not mental problems? Some of those I could understand being outside its purview, but the existence of pharmaceutical drugs for mental illness proved there was a brain chemistry component in at least some. Given that anything modern medicine could do, Heal could do much better, why did it not?

The answer to all of those whys was that it was designed not to do that. Heal reset the body to someones conception of an ideal statewhich by itself revealed there was an active intelligence behind it, as thats not really a thing in biology. And that was before getting into the specific, arbitrary caveats. No replacing major tissue loss, meeting standard biological needs, or fixing mental problemsbecause? At that point it became a matter of questioning the motivations of whoever had designed the spell, rather than analyzing its actual function.

So far, so predictable; I could well imagine the goddesses had carefully designed each spell they made available as a scroll. But then there was Immolate, and the burning (hah) question: why did it not incinerate clothes?

Because it consistently didnt, and it should. A person whod been Immolated would often end up with their clothing singed and smoking, which was really not sufficient damage for the intensity and duration of the fire involved. Heat that could reduce a human body to charcoal would reduce cloth to ash, and there was no reason the regenerative properties of its healing component should work on clothing. Early on, Id just assumed Ephemeral clothing was made from some khora-based fibers that didnt burn, like the akorshil they made their furniture frombut then Id advanced my agenda by burning up a whole shipment of shimmersatin. And then learned further, when I asked Master Auldmaer about acquiring material to be able to clothe my prospective army, that they raised sheep on Dount, and most of the local fabric available to lowborn was just wool.

Wool should burn. Under the kind of abuse Immolate caused, it should burn away to nothing in seconds. That it did not meant the spell had an extra proviso stipulating thatand why in the hell would it? Neither Heal nor Spark should include any feature for mitigating fire damage surrounding the target. This was a wholly new component of Immolate, which did not come from its parent spells. The motivation for leaving clothes intact I understood: it was great for dramatic effect to leave someone dressed in lightly smoldering attire, in a way that wouldnt quite work if they were just left naked. That was a very psychological element which had to have been added in there deliberately.

By whom? The most superficial answer was me; it wasnt implausible that I could subconsciously influence the traits a spell would have when I created it. But Id made Immolate on the fly, under severe duress, having no actual idea what would happen if I combined Spark and Heal into one. It didnt make sense for my mental state at the time to have created fine nuances calculated to intimidate onlookers. Which only left

Was I actually creating new spells, or accessing additional ones already in the goddesses database that werent ordinarily available to people?

These musings only made my efforts more frustrating, as they raised the strong suggestion that spell combination was only difficult because it was designed to be, on purpose.

I wish I could help you, boss, said Biribo when I complained, sounding actually sincere. I know youre not the first champion of a goddess to have spell combination as their extra gift, butuh, that makes one person every few centuries whos got it. So, nobody does know how it works. Even if a previous Hero or Dark Lord figured it all out and bothered to write a manual, it would be useless to basically everyone; this is not something people can do without the specific blessing of one of the goddesses. Its not likely that knowledge would survive if it was recorded somewhere, much less find its way to one of the only people who might need it at some unknowable point in the distant future.

Right, I said impatiently, and your familiar powers dont extend to explaining all this because?

He buzzed a bit lower in the air, managing to look abashed despite his limited capacity for facial expression. Sorry, boss. The Blessing of Wisdom has its limitations, too.

You said the goddesses are playing a game, right? Aster offered, having returned along with the rest of the crew for lunch. Which they were now setting out on one of the tables. Wait, was it already that late in the day? Yeah, now that I thought about it, I was pretty hungry. If theyre just doing all this to entertain themselves It makes sense to me theyd want you to fumble around and first and figure out the hard way how things work.

Yeah, if you just handed the Hero and the Dark Lord all kinds of powers up front and made em fight, thats a brief spectacle at best, Donon agreed, ladling soup into bowls. You wanna make it a proper story, theres gotta be a, whats the wordprogression?

Well, thats just tremendous, I groused, then winced as I got up from my seat at the edge of the dais. Why the fuck is my body so stiff? Ive cast Heal on myself half a dozen times this morning.

Because youve been sitting there working yourself into a knot, said Aster with a smile. Come have some food, Lord Seiji, you need it after all that.

Dunno about that, I grumbled, but joined them at the table. You guys have been doing all the work around here today.

She aint wrong, boss, Biribo chirped. The brain is an organ in your body! You work too hard on any one part and youll get tired all over.

Yeah, what youve been over there doing is some exhausting work, Lord Seiji, Sakin agreed. Pure concentration is difficult shit, theres a reason monks and priests and such have to train for years to meditate that deeply. And thats just meditation; the only analogs I know for what youve been trying to do is the workings of really high-level sorcerers who have spells that let them design their own spells, or Void witches. If it was easy, everybody would be a Void witch.

Mmf. I finished chewing a bite of soup, which was just this mornings crawn stew thinned with some more broth and extra vegetablesand extra peppers, of course. Thats another thing Ive been meaning to ask. People mention this Void occasionally, but it doesnt seem to come up often. Whats a Void witch? Is that extra magic I can learn?

Absolutely not! Biribo shouted, making me rear back in surprise.

Yeah, I was just talking hypothetically, Sakin agreed. Anybody who messes with the Void is either desperate or suicidal. The lizards right, Lord Seiji, thats not an avenue to anything helpful.

I opened my mouth to push further, but then noticed his expression. Sakin usually had a look on his face like he was having the time of his life, especially at moments when a normal person would be bored or upset, and I still hadnt figured out whether he was doing that deliberately or just crazy in that specific way. Now, though, he met my gaze with an intent expression, and once he was sure he had my attention, cut his eyes momentarily toward Biribo and then back to me.

Biribo himself was hovering over the table in front of me, with his back to Sakin, similarly staring as if he could impress on me the dangers of the Void by sheer force of eye contact.

Well, well, well. How about that.

So, these limits on the Blessing of Wisdom, I said, at least as much to distract him as because I was curious. What can you tell me about that?

Biribo drooped in midair again; he definitely looked distracted. Ahyeah. I guess we were gonna have to have this conversation eventually.

Well, thats good and ominous, I sighed, spearing another bite of bug meat and the stringy alien tuber that wasnt exactly a yam but seemed related. Just when I thought I was all settled in and Id heard all the background info that was gonna piss me off. Is this gonna piss me off, Biribo?

He means relative to how much everything pisses him off, Aster said gravely, causing several of the traitors surrounding me to duck their heads over their soup as if that meant I couldnt hear the snickers.

Yeah, may as well rip this scab off, Biribo agreed. Okay, boss, the thing about the Blessing of Wisdom is its not only the least defined in terms of what it can and cant do, but you, uh, sort ofhave to learn it as you go.

I chewed, swallowed, and deliberately kept my tone even. Go on?

You already know the basics. You get universal language comprehension, and a familiar who can gather intel, mostly about other people and Blessing related stuff. Theres a whole host of other potential skills and powers that can come with the Blessing of Wisdom, but theyre sort of situationally activated. Theyre different for each Blessed and even from that baseline which ones you acquire depend on the circumstances you find yourself in and the things you accomplish. And, uhfair warning, this is the part thats probably gonna piss you off.

I am aflutter with anticipation, I said calmly, taking another bite.

Okay, so, I do know many if not most of the possible extra powers you might get, boss. Any familiar would. But weve all learned not to tell you in advance, becauseif you try to go for a specific power or gift deliberately, youll very likely find yourself blocked from attaining it. We familiars do try to guide our Blessed toward unlocking extra attributes thatll be helpful for them, but subtly. If the Blessed knows of one in advance, it almost never activates for them, even if they meet the conditions perfectly. The system sort ofenforces working blind.

I unhurriedly finished chewing and swallowed. Sounds a lot like how my mornings been going.

Sorry, boss, he said weakly.

Well, its clearly not your fault, Biribo, unless you designed the system. Just do your best.

You bet I will, and thats a promise! he said, zooming around my head in a complete circle. Aster was right; I got noticeably better cooperation from the little freak when I tried to be more considerate of him. And I was also right in noting that this whole situation wasnt his fault. He was as much a prisoner of Ephemera as Iin fact, so was everyone on this planet. I was just the only one who had a frame of reference for life on a world where everything wasnt completely and unnecessarily stupid.

Its like I said, Aster mused, and like Donon said. The whole setup seems designed to make you go through a drawn-out process for the goddesses entertainment.

Not to mention yet another mechanism by which they could heavily influence events without being seen brazenly doing so.

I didnt say anything further, just shoveling soup into my face and already scheming my next scheme.

My next scheme began with introducing my followers to Japanese culture, in a sufficiently offhanded way that it would hopefully look to everyone, even a mystically canny being like a divine familiar, like that was all I was doing.

After a frustrating afternoon in which I wore myself out failing to either create my much-anticipated napalm cannon spell or make either of my new base spells work in any combination for a three-parter, I sat down to dinner with the gang, which I began with the loudest, most cheerful Itadakimasu! I could manage.

Uhbless you? Goose said uncertainly while they all stared at me.

Its a table prayer, I explained. An expression of appreciation for the food, those who prepared it, and nature itself for providing us the resources.

Well, hey, youre welcome, said Donon with a pleased smile. I suspected he most commonly put himself on cooking duty because he preferred it to helping clean up the fortress, but since he was the best cook I had never bothered to call him out for it.

It has occurred to me that among its many, and I mean many shortcomings, Fflyr culture lacks the little verbal rituals to which I am accustomed that mark the many passages we make through time and the events of life. Respectful phrases which signify the beginning and ending of a meal, entering someones home, leaving your own home or returning to it, greeting a teacher or superior, thanking coworkers for their efforts when one leaves the office for the day

Youve got ritual chants for all of that? Kasser demanded, his eyebrows climbing. And I thought we Fflyr were obsessed with everyones social place. That sounds fucking exhausting.

Harold leaned over and nudged him.

Ah, no offense, Lord Seiji, Kasser added belatedly.

Its okay, I assured him with good humor. Im not going to insist any of you follow along. Youre not Japanese and trying to make you would be foolish. Hell, Im such a poor example of a Japanese person in general that if my government knew I was one of our countrys two representatives on an alien world someone in the Ministry of Foreign Affairs would have a stroke. Still. Living without these things for a while has made me appreciate them, I find.

Its funny how that can happen, Twigs murmured, eyes on her plate. Goose gave her a pensive sidelong look, but said nothing.

You dont truly appreciate what you have until you lose it, I agreed. So! Im going tocasually institute a few practices, in which all of you are welcome to join me, but it will not be required. I think you might find they add to your quality of life. To begin with, there will be a schedule for the bath after dinner, since we only have the one bathing chamber. And tub, for that matter. For the sake of avoiding any embarrassment, there will be one hour assigned for mens use, and one for womens. Alternating each day for the sake of fairness. And beginning tonight, the men will go first, because I am shamelessly pulling rank.

Thebath? Harold said warily. I, uh. I thought that was a you thing, Lord Seiji.

Yeah, all due respect, we dont really have a problem getting clean the old-fashioned way, Donon added.

Pouring and scrubbing is to clean you, I intoned. A proper bath is to cleanse you. Body, mind, and spirit. Seriously, you should all try it.

A round of awkward glances passed around the table. Aster shook her head and tucked back into her food.

This sounds like a setup for somebody to accidentally walk in on the girls all naked, Goose said skeptically.

I thought Id made it clear that I expect there to be harmony and civility within the organization, I replied. But to be plain, there will be consequences if anybody tries that. Bath time is a sacred thing. Peeking will not be tolerated. That includes familiars, I added.

Yeah, yeah, Biribo huffed, hovering over the table as usual. You and your bath time. Dyou know how many people Ive seen naked over the years?

Thats not the point, Biribo. Its the principle.

And to be extra clear, Kasser said carefully, this is not mandatory?

No, Kasser, it is not. Its encouraged, and Ill be disappointed if you decline to share in one of the finer offerings of my culture, but it would defeat the purpose if you were forced to participate. A bath is relaxing. Just wouldnt work if you were all tense from being compelled to be there.

Well, hey, Ill try anything once, Sakin declared lightly.

Yeah, I had a feeling he would.

As for things which are mandatory, I said, noting the position of the wagging tail which emerged from behind the table, all of you quit sneaking scraps to my dog. I feed her plenty; youre gonna make her sick.

Five pairs of hands were immediately and innocently placed on the tabletop.

That was neatly done, Lord Seiji, Sakin said with a knowing little smirk an hour later as soon as we were both up to our shoulders in the steaming tub, with the doors to the old stable firmly shut and Biribo on the other side of them. None of the other gentlemen had decided to join us, which suited my plans perfectly. Yknowand I mean this quite sincerelyfor an amateur, youve got good instincts for this stuff. I think well shape you into a properly terrifying operator yet!

Mmhm, I murmured, lounging back against the curved rim of the old trough. Glad to hear it. Now that we have privacy, tell me about the Void.