The Heavenly Martial Empress Returns: An OP Xianxia Returnee LitRPG

Chapter 38: A Mother’s New Resolve

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“Eleven thousand years, mother.”

“Eh?”

“I spent eleven thousand years in Murim. This was never false, nor a lie…” I said. “Do you know how much that is? Over a hundred times the lifespan of a person, longer than most of humanity’s history, over a thousand times longer than all the time I spent on Earth.”

“K-Katherine…” My mother gasped as she saw me crying.

I cried.

I couldn’t help it anymore.

“Do you know how painful it was to go through all of that alone? The pain, the blood, the agony. So many times, I forgot who I was. There were years when I had complete amnesia about who I was. There were years that I spent as a slave. And there were hundreds of years I spent hiding and growing stronger; every day, I was chased by others trying to kill me.” I spoke. “Years after years after years. A never-ending nightmare.”

“That much?” Ruby finally spoke after remaining mostly silent through it all. “I-I know you went through a lot, but... I didn’t know that it was that much, though. Maybe you were exaggerating, or maybe you never really went into too many details.”

“I didn’t want to go into details because I knew it would have no point. Why would I want to tell someone else about my traumas? Why would I want to share all the suffering, just to make you feel bad?” I asked. “I just wanted to see you happy. If only the tower hadn’t appeared, maybe I would not have gone to such lengths in these last days. And honestly, I… I can’t say I am sorry. I don’t regret my actions. I can’t. My resolve is unshakable. And my will is eternal. I might be showing myself in a humane shape, in the form you could most likely comprehend.”

“E-Eh?” Ruby felt surprised. "What... what are you talking about?”

“Do you want to see what I truly look like?” I asked them both. “It might turn you blind, and it might even burn your skin and kill you. I contain my true body because it is completely made of pure, refined Nine Heaven Essence. I swallowed four out of five suns of Murim. I am a walking star.”

“T-That’s… Is that even possible?” My mother asked.

“I’ll conjure a stronger barrier, and I’ll show you.” I conjured a powerful barrier around them and then around us. It was at least a hundred times more reinforced than the usual Nine Heaven Protection. “Now, prepare yourselves; you might go blind, so I’ll constantly heal your eyes.”

I took away my clothes, standing completely naked in front of them, as my skin slowly peeled off my body. Something translucent surged from within. There was no blood, no flesh, no bones, no internal organs—just endless rivers of colorful light intersecting together.

Once all my skin was peeled off, they saw what I truly was. A being made of complete and pure light, compressed through almost subatomic levels. The two gasped, stepping back as Ruby screamed as the light burned her eyes, but I healed her quickly.

“W-What is this?!” My mother screamed.

“K-Katherine?! This is you- ugh… It burns so much!” Ruby cried.

“This is what I am,” I said. “As you can see, mother, it is not as if I am a person killing another person. I am a monster, simply taking care of another monster.”

“N-No!” My mother defied me. “I don’t care, Katherine! You’re… You’re still my daughter, right? You spent so much there, but you still remembered us; you still came to us! This means there’s humanity within you. I think you should find another way- Ugh… Another way to do this! You can’t go on a killing spree and slay all the gods; it just feels so wicked. These beings—they're beloved by so many in their own worlds—feel wrong, no matter what you show me.”

“No matter what I show you?” I asked her. “Very well, I’ll show you. These are the memories of the gods I slew. I extracted them as I ate their souls.”

I projected their memories in front of them by waving my hands, which became projections of light. I made the light less bright, so it would stop making them constantly blind.

The projections showed several scenes, from their birth to their developing consciousness. Their greed and how they opened countless portals to Earth, where monsters poured out.

They feasted on the souls and enjoyed what they did. They might not have known better; they might have been simply following their instincts.

But that doesn’t mean they didn’t deserve punishment for what they did.

“A-Ah…” My mother sighed, falling to her knees. “I-I did think they did bad things, but... This is so overwhelming. How can you... how can you live with all of this, Katherine? Being able to do so much? I would… I would go insane.”

“I did go insane many times,” I said. “Honestly, I don’t know what I am right now. If I am insane or sane, or if I am between the two, or maybe I’ve been insane for so long that it has become my sanity, I could also show you the memories of my past life, but I don’t want to torment you with that knowledge. There are things I would rather not show anybody.”

I quickly transformed back into my human form, walking towards my mother and my sister. I feared they would step back, but the moment I walked towards them, they hugged me.

“Huh?”

“Okay, I might have been harsh... I still think your approach is not wrong, but... I understand that only you could have brought punishment to them.” My mother sighed, still looking conflicted. “I accept that truth. I know I won’t be able to stop you, and I know that even as I accompany you through it, I might not be able to make much of a difference at all. But you have to know that violence, or killing someone, might not always solve a problem and might not always be the solution.”

“I know… I’ve always known, mother.” I told her.

“You knew? It doesn’t feel like that, Katherine.” She said.

“It is because there was no other solution,” I told her. “I can see many paths with these eyes—possible futures that always diverge based on my own actions. In these futures, they always came back. They destroyed Earth; they killed you and my sister... The gods cannot be left alive. They’re too powerful, enemies of our world. Leaving my enemies alive is but a foolish act; that’ll only bring more torment to all of us.”

“Your eyes can see the future?!” My sister was once more amazed. “Okay… I guess that’s actually not that surprising after seeing all the things you can do. So you’re basically like a goddess of everything?”

“Not everything; there are elements and powers I couldn’t grasp. I do have weaknesses, but I have yet to face an enemy here that can withstand my power. Nonetheless, that’s the reason why I must keep growing stronger. The Mana of these worlds and the divinity I am developing will help me reach higher realms, so I can better protect our world from all the destruction that is to come in the future.” I said. “But even then, I understand.”

I looked at my mother and my sister as I let go of their embrace. I felt like I didn’t deserve their love.

“It is fine if you’re afraid of me, and it is fine if you don’t want to accompany me anymore. I never intended to drag you into this. And I never intended to force you into killing gods or something either.” I sighed. “Even if nobody is by my side, I intend to walk through this path alone. Because my love for Earth is stronger than anybody else, and I want this planet to survive, no matter what I must do to achieve those goals. Even if I have to kill the gods, blast the tower, and even get to the one that made it... Even if I have to leave a hundred worlds without their gods, I’ll do it. I am selfish—very selfish. I want my world to prosper more than the others.”

“…” My mother nodded silently. “I understand; maybe I am the weird one here, feeling so sorry for people from another world. I should also try to only care about my own, but even then... You do care, don’t you?”

“Yeah! You care about Eclipse. You took care of people here, and you’ve been helping the tribe too.” Said Ruby.

“It is embarrassing to admit that, but I do care.” I nodded. “I could have simply destroyed the world and everything inside of it to kill the gods instantly and gain a lot of experience points, stats, and skills. But I chose not to do that. I could probably end every world in the tower within a couple of hours, but I chose not to do that either. I want to do this my own way; I will go world after world, protect the people inside of these worlds, and make sure their futures are secured without their gods chaining them down.”

“I’m sorry, Katherine.” My mother said, “I’m sorry for doubting you and saying those things; although I still can’t completely agree with you, you’re not wrong either. And… I won’t leave your side. Don’t be dumb, my daughter. You’re my first child, the baby I gave birth to, and the child I raised. I still have clear memories of when you were a little baby girl. Even if you spent that much time somewhere else, within those eyes, I could see her—that child. As a mother, I just wanted to try to correct you, but I suppose you’re already an adult and even older than me now.”

“Still, I appreciate what you did and what you said. Nobody has confronted me in such a way before. It made me rethink everything even more, even if slightly…” I sighed. “I think I need some time to rest before we climb to the second floor. I might need some time alone to think about my decisions and my actions."

“Are you alright?” Ruby asked me. “Big sis, I know I overreact a lot sometimes, but… I also care about you.”

“It’s fine, I know.” I smiled, kissing my sister’s forehead, as my mother gave me one last hug.

“A-And of course I’m coming with you too! You’ve carried me a lot, so I kind of want to pull my own weight for once.” Ruby said. “Juan is coming too; is that okay with you?”

“…It’s fine; I do not like him, but I’ve grown used to his face by now. I might eventually not dislike him.” I said. “He’ll need to get a bit stronger, though. But it’s fine. If he’s your lover, then he’s family.”

“Thank you for accepting him…” Ruby said.

“Thank you for accepting me.” I smiled as I gave them both one last hug. “You don’t know how much I relished a moment like this my entire life back then. Even now, it feels like I am dreaming.”

“My poor girl…” My mother hugged me. “Let’s talk more about these things, okay? I want to learn what you went through there; tell me more and speak with me. Open up; it is fine to tell me these things. I want to understand, and I even want to share that pain with you.”

“Okay, maybe… Maybe one day I’ll do it." I nodded. “Let’s go eat now; I am quite hungry."

“Y-Yes, let’s go.” My mother nodded.

“Yeah…” My sister agreed.

Although I was trying my best, I couldn’t help but feel let down through the rest of the day. It was a mix of sadness, sorrow, frustration, self-hatred, and perhaps some of the traumas resurfacing inside my head.

Living for eleven thousand years fills your head with so many memories that it is oftentimes very hard to navigate through all the emotions and experiences you’ve gone through.

But as the night arrived and I spent time with the twins while looking at the moon in the night sky, their words, their warmth, and their smiles slowly healed my heart once more.

And I smiled as I watched the stars, the moon, and their beautiful smiles.

Thank you for loving me. It is still hard for me to process this emotion, but I will try to love you as much as you love me in return.

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