The Simulacrum

Book 4 Extra 3: Roll for initiative, Santa!

"Wow! Your Christmas tree is really cute!" Angie exclaimed the moment she entered the living room, and she rushed over to the decorated pine in the corner. "Are those angels homemade? Kyaa! I love 'em! I wanna take them home!"

"I made more than we needed, so I can give you the ones that didn't fit on the tree," Snowy proposed, and the Celestial girl immediately locked down on her like a hungry cat.

"Really? Can I really?"

"Come on, Angie. The others are waiting," Josh, carrying the terrain mats and the minis in a cardboard box, urged her childhood friend to take her seat at the table, but to little effect.

"Leo's still setting up the shield, so it's fine," she dismissed the guy before suddenly freezing and pointing at one of the sparkling figurines hanging from the branches. "Look! This is one super-cute!"

"Hm. On closer look, it does kinda remind me of you" Josh mused as he also walked over, box still in hand, and the usually teasing-proof Celestial immediately flushed.

"N-Not in front of the others!" she whispered quite loudly.

"You really don't have to mind us," Ammy noted, already at the table and nonchalantly sipping a large mug of hot chocolate. Since the administration of the School was also on vacation during the holidays, she was finally free of her paperwork, and it showed in her complexion. Or was it the effect of her newfound relationship with Mike? In any case, she was quite relaxed, and after swallowing her drink, she casually added, "With these three around, we're already used to people flirting near us, right?"

I responded with an innocent, "I have no idea what you're talking about," and ignored the giggles behing my ear, coming from the princess draped over my shoulders.

"I've read the rules, consulted a couple of guides online, and I've filled out my character sheet! I'm ready!" exclaimed Penny's voice from the kitchen, yet the entering the room first was Judy, carrying a tray full of holiday-appropriate sweets, from cute homemade gingerbread men to those twisty read-and-white candy canes.

"Don't overthink it too much. It's a casual game," she said over her shoulder, and my knightly sister let out a hum of agreement as she came into view. She was also carrying a tray, though it had more traditional, tabletop-gaming staple snacks and soft drinks on it.

In the meantime, the childhood friends (or should I call them 'chilhood couple' at this point?) also arrived at the table and took their seats. I tapped Elly on the arm, and while she let out a displeased noise, she still gave me a peck on my cheek and moved over to Judy's side. Once everyone was in place, I theatrically squared up the notes in my hands against the table to get their attention.

"All right guys, let's get started. First off, let's start with a quick recap for the benefit of the newbie: during the last session, our group of intrepid adventurers embarked on an epic quest to recover an ancient artifact of amazing-yet-poorly-defined power before the evil cult of vague evilness operating in the area could get their grubby hands on them." I paused here to send a pointed glance at Josh, then continued with, "While traveling the frozen valley leading to the artifact's last known location, Josh's character, Andronicus Lightrunner, managed to fail three dexterity checks in a row and caused an avalanche. My character, brave Grognar Nounverber, used his body to shield the rest of the party members, and in the process, was grievously wounded." I paused again and very slowly creased my brows. "Since our party's healers were out of commission, Andronicus Lightrunner attempted to use Lay on Hands to save Grognar, but due to a double critical fumble, he, somehow, caused 2d4 damage to him instead."

"Oh, come on, man! I don't have control over the dice!" Josh grumbled, but I ignored him in favor of continuing the recap.

"So, since Grognar had negative HP, and there was no way to treat him on the spot, Florence Springbringer used the gorgon poison the party looted from the Ancient Temple of Eeek, and turned him to stone, preserving him until he could be properly healed back in Icewindgate's church." This time I turned to the princess and told her, "That was some quick thinking back there. Nice job."

"Hehe. It was a team effort!" she answered with a beaming smile, and Judy nodded along.

To conclude things, I squared my notes again and carefully laid them out in front of me, behind the DM's shield.

"In other words, my character is incapacitated, and since Angie also wanted to try playing as a PC, we decided to switch roles for the evening. As such, I'll be your game master for this session. Any questions?"

Angie raised her hand high into the air and exclaimed, "I have one! How come you were never this serious when I was the GM?"

"It's called being in character," I answered while conspicuously spreading out my notes. "Since you're going to be playing on the other side, I'd recommend you should familiarize yourself with the concept. Speaking of which, do you have your character sheet?"

"Yes, sir!" Without further ado, she handed over a brand new page, with a full-body portrait, made by Snowy, attached to it with a paperclip. "Since Grognar is down for the count, I decided to make a melee specialist to fill in the role. My character's name is Alarell Mistwatcher, and she's a half-elf magus specializing in defensive buffs and debuffs, and I have a level in Dragon Fist Monk for the perks. Also, Chaotic Good."

"So a frontline mage dabbling with the secret arts of the Fist Caster." I scanned the stats and her inventory, and everything seemed to be in order, so I handed the character sheet back to her. "You're one level ahead of the rest of the party, but it should be fine. What about you, kiddo?"

"Ah, me? Y-Yes, a moment!" After a few long seconds, Penny finally managed to produce a mangled-up character sheet, which was obviously rewritten a couple of times already. "I'm Joan the Red, and I'm an Invincible Rager half-orc Barbarian with levels is Duelist, and I dual-wield my +3 Balanced Archanite Axes, with +4/+0 attack bonuses for off-hand, and I"

"In other words, min-maxed damage dealer Barbarian build," I cut in as I skimmed her stats. "I figured you'd want to be a paladin, but while this one is a bit of a glass cannon, it should be viable."

"That was the first thing I thought of, but Joshua already took the spot," she responded a touch sulkily, prompting me to look up from her sheet.

"You know there's no rule that says there can be one of each class in the party, right?"

"I know, but if I tried, I would be constantly compared to his character, and how am I supposed to compete with that? He has a +6 weapon already, and a Belt of Bodily Might adding +6 to his Strenght and Constitution! And why does he have so many feats anyway?"

"It's thanks to a genie in a lamp he found in a marketplace," Ammy explained, and I followed her up with a shrug.

"In more practical terms, it's GM favoritism, so blame Angie."

"Hey!" the target of my jab objected, but I completely ignored her and handed the sheet back to my sister instead.

"So, since everyone's ready, let's start today's session." At this point, I deepened my voice and continued with, "You have survived the avalanche, but at great cost. Your heroic comrade, Grognar, lies petrified on the floor of the cave where you took refuge. What do you do now?"

"Is my character at the scene?" Penny cut in, and I shook my head.

"Not yet."

"Well, we can't leave Grognar here," Elly spoke up first. "We should take him back to Icewindgate and revive him before we go any further."

"If we do that, we might be too late to recover the artifact," Josh protested, as expected. "If it falls into the wrong hands, it could pose a threat to the innocent, and as a Paladin, Andronicus wouldn't allow that to happen."

"In that case, we have to take the petrified body along with us for the rest of the journey," Judy proposed, as planned.

"But Grognar was big, and now he's made of stone, so Wouldn't he be really heavy?" Snowy chimed in, and I nodded along.

"Indeed, he is. In fact, considering the weight, only someone with at least" I threw my die behind the shield, mostly for theatrics, then added, "They would need to have at least twenty in Strength and sixteen in Constitution to carry him. Is there anyone among you who fits the bill?"

"Erm If you count the modifiers, then I suppose Andronicus could do it," Josh muttered a touch apprehensively. "But if he carried Grognar, he wouldn't be able to fight."

"That much is obvious," I agreed with a neutral expression and shook the die in my hand. "Are you proposing to leave him behind?"

"Um N-No? Andronicus probably wouldn't do that"

"In that case, can I assume you are all in agreement?" The group nodded more or less in unison, some less enthusiastically than others, so I rolled the dice a couple of times. "Josh, please roll for a Strength and Dexterity check. Since the others are helping, you can substitute their dexterity rolls for your own."

"Let me see. Eighteen and six."

"I'll help," Judy spoke up and rolled her dice. "Fifteen."

Nodding along, I told them, "With the help of Judith Shadowwalker, and using the rope in Grognar's inventory, you fashion a simple harness and manage to carry him on your back. Due to the weight, you receive a -5 modifier to all Dodge Rolls, and since the harness restricts your movement, you receive a -4 Attack Roll for all weapons that require Finesse Wielding. Including nunchuks. "

"Oh, come on, man!"

"What? Do you want to say a petrified man strapped to your back wouldn't negatively affect your character's ability to flail around a pair of burning sticks connected by a chain?"

Instead of answering, Josh proceeded to quietly fume, so I interpreted that as agreement.

"Are you ready to move out?"

"Yes. I roll for Lore of Nature to check outside the cave and see if it's safe to exit!"

Elly made her rolls, and after some planning, the group headed outside and continued on their journey.

"Where are our characters during all this?" Angie called out to me, obviously dissatisfied. Whether that was because of being left out or due to me messing with her boyfriend was something I couldn't possibly know. But it was the latter. Obviously.

"Patience, please," I responded before rolling my die again and addressing the whole group once more. "You have successfully made your way through the valley, but due to the difficult terrain, it took you considerably longer than originally planned. The sun had already set, and as you finally leave the gorge behind, you find yourself looking down upon a snowy basin.

At this point, I reached down under the table, and unfolded a largesheat of graph-paper before placing it in front of them. It was something I made last night, and it served as the rough map of the quest area.

"As you can see, the vast plain in the middle is enclosed by a circle of tall, frozen mountains, like talong clawing at the sky, and right in front of you, there's a tranquil pine forest. The starry sky is cold and silent, with only the nearly full moon illuminating the landscape in its pale blue light. What do you do?"

"I look for tracks," Judy said at once, and I gestured for her to roll. "You can discern two separate trails. One is older and shows signs of frequent use. Based on the footprints, it was left by small feet, as if belonging to children."

"Small? Are they made by goblins?" Josh inquired, with a hint of alarm.

I waved for Judy to roll again, with Elly and Snowy joining her too. Unfortunately, they couldn't produce a single good roll between the three of them.

"The prints are old and hard to discern in the dark lf night. You can't say for sure if they belonged to goblins, but it's a possibility," I told them, and the guy let out a quiet, 'Well, shit. Here we go again' under his breath.

"What? Is it bad if they are goblins?" Penny inquired, and Snowy hastily explained, "Last time we encountered a tribe of goblins, it was complicated."

"They had traps, murder holes, and an entire squad of highly trained hobgoblins waiting to ambush us. Also, a boss immune to fire-damage," Ammy elaborated a touch critically, and Angie hastily showed her palms.

"I told you guys it was a sample adventure I adapted! It wasn't my idea, it was in the book!"

"In any case, let's ignore those tracks until we know more about the situation," the class concluded. "What about the other one?"

In the meantime, I passed a note over to Judy, and after reading it, she told the group, "It's a series of recent footprints left behind by humans. There are two distinct marks, and they are headed to the northeast."

Using the opportunity, I placed a coin near the southern edge of the basin on the homemade map.

"This is where you are right now. Where do you want to go?"

"Let's follow the human footprints," Judy proposed. "It's obviously a hook."

"I think we should do that too," Snowy agreed, followed by a curt "Seconded," from the class rep, and the rest of the group soon followed suit and started rolling their checks for moving through rought terrain.

"You follow the trail until you come to an unassuming campsite. There's a small campfire in the middle, with two humanoid figures huddled around it."

"Oh, oh! Is that us?" the energetic Celestial perked up at once, and instead of answering, I handed her a note. She took it, and after a quick glance, sent me a puzzled look. "You wrote our backstory?"

"Since you didn't bother to make one, I figured I'd throw one together to justify why you two are camping out in the middle of nowhere."

"Fair enough," she shrugged and handed the note over to Penny.

In the meantime, I adopted my narrator voice again, and asked, "What do you plan to do?"

"Well, since it's Angie and Penelope, we might as well just approach them openly," Josh proposed, and while normally I would've reprimanded him for using out-of-character knowledge, I allowed it this time to get the adventure rolling.

"Hello. We. Are. Bounty. Hunters. Let's. Join."

Penny's first attempt at roleplaying was about as wooden as it got, but since it was her first time, the others didn't mind. Angie, a bit more experienced, quickly explained the backstory I set for the two, about being up-and-coming adventurers hired by the local church of the goodie-two-shoes goddess and aiming for the same artifact. After some more back and forth, the parties got merged. It was pretty much a foregone conclusion, but playing it out was half the fun.

"I think we should rest for the night and search the area first thing in the morning," Judy proposed, but her reasonable suggestion was immediately shot down by Angie.

"No, we can't do that! This is a race against time, so we must act right away!"

"But it's the middle of the night. How are we supposed to find it in the dark?" Snowy chimed in, followed by an approving grunt from the class rep.

"I also need to rearrange my spell book, so I vote for resting."

"Come on, guys! Don't be like that!" Angie continued to insist, turning to Josh for support. "Come on, buddy, back me up!"

"I'd like to, but I'm not really comfortable with the idea of doing this at night, with a statue tied to my character's back. Not to mention, we don't even know where to start looking."

"But we do!" Josh looked at her funny, so the stubborn Celestial explained, "There were only two tracks, right? There's only one entrance to this area, so we just have to follow the other one!"

"I still don't think that's a good idea"

"Then what? Do you want me to go on my own?"

"No, we can't do that!" Penny called out all of a sudden and crossed her hands in front of her. "First rule of roleplaying: never split the party. It was literally on the first page of the official guide!"

For the next fifteen or so minutes, Angie continued to aggressively convince the party to forego sleeping and go with her plan instead. Throughout all this, I remained completely silent and waited for their ultimate decision with the relevant notes in hand.

"Fine! We'll all go and scout out this other trail," Josh ultimately relented, and our group of brave adventurers continued on their epic quest.

After returning to the exit of the valley, they quickly found the second footpath, and the group followed it into the woods, much to Josh's annoyance.

"Well, I expected something like this would happen," I chimed in, and started placing props onto the map. "After close to an hour of following the tracks, you reach the edge of the pine forest," at ths point, I pushed the coin closer to the center of the map, and then placed down a small house made of a piece of cardboard. "There is a large, circular plain in front of you, with a single winter cottage in the middle of it, it's snow-covered roof illuminated by the mystical shine of the aurora borealis in the night sky."

"Wait, wasn't the night sky cold and empty before?" Ammy interjected, and I showed her my innocentest smile.

"It was. Strange, isn't it?"

"A house? That isn't right" Angie muttered in surprise, but I didn't pay her any attention.

"The trail you followed so far cuts through the snowy plain and leads directly to the doorstep of the lone building. What do you do?"

"Since we came this far, I suppose we might as well take a closer look," Ammy commented on the side, and my girlfriends both agreed with her. However, Angie chose this moment to stop frowning at me and address the group again.

"Why bother with that? It looks harmless enough, so let's just walk up to it and knock! We're in a hurry, so why waste time with scouting?"

I sent her a glance that said, 'Are you doing this on purpose?', but she matched my stare with a daredevil grin.

"My character agrees," Penny said on the side, and after she received a few odd glances, she stuttered, "W-What? She's a barbarian! She wants to see some action! It's in character!"

Some further discussion later, the group decided to compromise, and sent Judy's character ahead to scout while the rest followed right behind her.

"No traps," my dear assistant noted once they arrived. "The door's locked though."

"I'll knock!" Angie declared and rolled her die.

"There's no answer on the other side. Either they couldn't hear you, or nobody's home."

"In that case, let's kick down the door!"

"Whoa, Angie! Aren't you getting a little ahead of yourself?" Josh tried to object, but he paused when he heard the sound of something hitting the table, and glanced over at Penny.

"I rolled an Athletics check. Was I not supposed to?"

"Once the dice rolls, there are no take-backsies!" Angie declared with a triumphant grin and sent another challenging glance at me.

Continuing to ignore her provocation, I made a difficulty roll.

"Well, I expected something like this might happen," I mused as I pushed a set of my notes aside and took out another bundle, and after I squared them too, I followed it up by laying a graph paper map partiall on top of the old one, much to Angie's visible annoyance.

"The door buckles and breaks off its hinges, revealing an enormous hall many times bigger than the cabin itself. At a glance, it looks like a factory floor, with numerous crisscrossing conveyor belts." At this point, I took out the character minis from the box Josh was carrying around and placed them down. "You're here. After the door falls, there are several seconds of tense silence, but then the dozens of small elves, dressed in green tunics, start to panic and try to get away from the heavily armed and armored intruders in the doorway."

"Chief, please tell me that's not what I think it is" Judy whispered with one hand on her temple.

"What is this commotion all about?, asks a new voice," I resumed without missing a beat. "From the left, in walks a chubby old wizard. He's wearing a red robe with a fur-rimmed, pointy red hat, and has an impeccably groomed, bushy white beard that reaches down to his belly. He seems more confused by your presence than alarmed, and walks up to you without any reservations."

"So it's what I thought it was," Judy continued to groan, but I still didn't acknowledge her.

Instead, I focused my attention on Angie, who seemed to be silently fuming about the way I changed the scenario. To be fair, I never promised her I would follow her notes.

"Who are you, young fellows, and what brings you to my abode?, the jolly old man asks you even as the small fae scamper to hide behind him, obviously apprehensive of your presence."

"So he's not hostile even after what happened," Josh noted as he hefted his die. "In that case, I'll try a Diplomacy roll." It came out as a twelve, but with the guy's high Charisma and skill level, it was way more than enough. "Please allow me to apologize for our sudden entrance, it was entirely accidental. We've been hired by the Elder Council of Winterspire, and on a quest to find and secure the Eye of Askaman, a dangerous artifact of tremendous power. We only wish to ask whether you've heard of its whereabouts."

"The Eye of Askaman? the old wizard repeats after you, stroking his long beard. Why, yes, I know of it. As a matter of fact, I have it in my possession."

"Really?" Josh blurted out, not expecting such a straightforward quest hook. "Can we maybe ask you to place it in our is custody the right word?" The target of the question, Ammy, shrugged like it was none of her business, so the guy cleared his throat and added, "We'd like to safekeep it."

"Ho-ho-ho! Not so fast, my young friend. As you said, it is a very dangerous artifact indeed. How could I leave it in your hands in good conscience, when I know nothing of you?"

"It's a quest hook!" Elly exclaimed and rolled her dice. "I'll try to persuade him to let us prove ourselves worthy of his trust."

"Why bother?" Angie suddenly cut in before I could answer, and slammed the table with her palm. "He has it, so we just have to take it from him. Come on, guys. The sooner we're done with this quest, the better."

"Hold on. This is obviously a quest-giving NPC. You can't just attack them," Ammy objected, and Snowy also agreed.

"That's right. We discussed this after what happened during the first session. It's against the rules."

"Screw the rules, I'm Chaotic Good! Spring Strike!" Without waiting for anyone else's input, she rolled her attack die and declared, "I attack the big guy! Roll for initiative!"

There was a long moment of stunned silence at the table, and after I deemed it long enough, I reached down to my second set of notes and squared them up as well before uttering a flat, "Are you one hundred percent sure you want to do this?"

"Yes!" she declared with a shit-eating grin that pretty much screamed 'So? Do you like the taste of your own medicine?', which I naturally completely ignored in favor of taking out a character sheet from my stack of notes.

"Very well. I had a feeling something like this would happen, so" I rolled my dice behind the shield, and after making a few thoughtful hums, I told the group, "So, Alarell Mistwatcher used Spring Strike with a +2 surprise modifier and attacked Kringle Langbarr, level 20 Mythic demigod and favored son of Lors, the great god of charity. She did" I rolled again, then used my most deadpan voice to utter, " one point of damage."

"Oh crap," Josh whispered, and what followed was a fairly one-sided battle, involving 2d4+1 level 16 summoned were-reindeer, Josh getting dimension-locked inside the boss's huge bag of holding, and the whole group being forced to undertake a task to defeat the Krampus in order to redeem themselves and continue the initial quest.

Side-note: after this incident, the girls took Angie to the kitchen for a few minutes to 'have a talk', and after she returned, everything went smoothly and everyone had a good time, without any further Leeroy Jenkins-style incidents. It was a Christmas miracle, I tell you.