I Don't Want to Be Loved

Chapter 222 – A farewell letter

Translator – Yue

The Port of Salerno remained unchanged. Tall, imposing walls surrounded the beach. There were numerous houses with scarlet-colored rooftops everywhere. A seemingly endless turquois-colored. Everything was as calm and beautiful as before.

There was only one ship resting on the shores. A white, modern, elegant ship.

When the Queen’s carriage arrived to port, the usually hectic port city suddenly turned tranquil. The carriage’s door opened and the Queen descended from her vehicle surrounded by her guards. She was wearing a thick coat, hat and gloves all made of silver fox fur, as though she was planning on going somewhere far colder than Arundell. A little while later, the ship’s captain approached her.

He took out his cap and bowed to the Queen of Arundell.

“Greetings to the most honorable woman in Arundell, Your Majesty the Queen. May Elheim’s light always shine upon you.”

A smile came up to Rihannan’s lips.

“Greetings, captain. I’ll be under your care.”

The captain pointed at the two uniformed men by his side.

“This is the first official who’ll be piloting the ship with me, and this is our best navigator.”

Both men took off their caps and bowed to Rihannan. Then, they both answered to the captain at the same time. “It is an honor to serve you, Your Majesty. We’ll make sure you reach Chrichton safe and sound.”

Rihannan looked at the two men. One of them, the one who’d been addressed as the best navigator, looked quite young, almost a boy. He could not be older than 20 years old. As Rihannan kept looking at his face quite intently, she suddenly had the thought that the boy looked very familiar.

Seeing that the Queen was eyeing him with interest, the boy smiled.

“Your Majesty, in the past you were onboard the ‘Ataraxia’, a ship sailing for Chrichton, right?”

Rihannan remembered him.

“Were you…”

“Yes. I was a novice crew member back then. I explained to you the origins of the Ataraxia statue that was in the ship. Do you remember?”

A bright smile adorned Rihannan’s face.

“Of course I remember. You’ve become the top navigator around here in such short time?”

“Yes. I’m talented, so I managed to rise a little earlier.”

The rest of the crew members surrounding them a little distance away looked at the boy with envy. They seemed to be wondering when and where on earth could he have met the Queen herself in person.

Rihannan laughed.

“Yes. It’s nice to see meet you again in your new position.”

“The pleasure is mine as well, my Queen. Then, could I salute you separately?”

Rihannan extended her hand. The sailor quickly kissed the back Rihannan’s hand, who was still wearing her leather gloves. The rising jealousy wave coming from the crew members was almost tangible.

“In any case, what did I tell you back then? The bonds with Ataraxia are strong. I told you you’d end up coming back to Arundell, didn’t I?”

“You were right… though I came back under different circumstances.”

Rihannan murmured bitterly that last part to herself. The sailor didn’t hear her and continued talking to her excitedly.

“Do you know how surprised I was when I heard that the girl I’d met had become Queen? I went around town bragging about how I’d met the Queen but nobody believed me. Now they will.”

The quick-tongued sailor continued talking to Rihannan.

“Why are you going back to Chrichton? Are you going there to visit your cousin?”

Rihannan’s face stiffened a little. Seeing her reaction, the captain, though belatedly, stepped in.

“Stop right there. How can you act that way in front of Her Majesty? Step back.”

The sailor immediately shut his mouth and took a step back. Rihannan felt bad for the boy who stopped smiling and looked frightened, but she was glad for the captain’s interruption nonetheless. She had felt uncomfortable with his question.

“Then, Your Majesty, it’s time to board.”

Rihannan turned back to look at the soldiers who’d escorted her one last time. They’d go back to Edinere city once she left. On the other hand, Rihannan would board the ship Dimitri had sent to retrieve her back to Chrichton. Once she arrived, Dimi and her uncle would be waiting for her to welcome her back.

“Thank you all for bringing me safely here. You may go back.”

The Royal Guard’s commander approached Rihannan, taking an envelope out of his pocket. He courteously inclined his head and gave it to her.

“Please, take this.”

“What is this?”

“He told me to give you this once you were onboard the ship, Your Majesty.”

Rihannan didn’t need to ask who he was referring to. She smiled bitterly and accepted the letter.

“Thank you.”

After she bid her final farewells, Rihannan got on the ship. Her guards lined up on the port and bowed one last time to their Queen.

“We are leaving!”

With one last yell from the captain, a strong Vroom! resonated everywhere and the ship slowly started coming to life. Rihannan stayed on deck, looking at the horizon.

Finally, she took out the envelop the commander had given her. There was a folded letter inside. Taking a deep breath, she began reading.

The first word written on the letter was her name.

‘Rihannan. Did you know that I’d never called you Riha, not even once?’

Rihannan tried remembering. Now that she thought about it, whenever he talked to her he always said “Rihannan”, her full name. She’d previously thought that perhaps Igor simply didn’t like using nicknames, but apparently she’d been wrong.

‘Honestly, after you told me the meaning of your name, I’ve always wanted to continue calling you by your full name. Maybe you don’t even realize how much happiness it gives me to call you Rihannan.’

When she realized the meaning of his words, Rihannan’s lips quivered. Ironically, she wasn’t even sure that the person who wrote her this letter even knew what he was talking about.

‘Since there are still truths I couldn’t bring myself to tell you about, I wrote you this letter… about what happened in our past life, after you died.’

The letter described calmy everything that had happened after her death. About the violent way he’d killed her father, Leticia and the Queen Mother. It even detailed the gruesome war between Arundell and Chrichton.

As she continued reading through the letter’s content, Rihannan felt like she could barely breathe. The letter detailed the three violent years following her demise. Even though the war between Arundell and Chrichton had been horrible and cruel, the tyranny he’d imposed afterwards was no different.

Igor’s tyrannical reign had sown so much terror that, not surprisingly, nobody dared oppose him. He’d been such ruthless cruel against his enemies, so whomever dared oppose him would either end up being crushed by his military power, or straight up executed. Even the once powerful noble families had their hands tied. War with Chrichton had been possible because of his undisputed rule.

And thus, after the cruel war ended. the King of Arundell alone had much more power than the whole Chrichton Royal Family combined. There was no one in the continent who dared oppose the King of Arundell.

‘At that time, I was probably no different from Chrichton’s current Crown Prince. I was a man you’d have hated and held in contempt above anyone else in the world.’

Rihannan covered her mouth with her shaking hand. Igor had said something like this before… that once someone suffers a shook, no psychological therapy in the world would help, and that person would end up taking extreme measures. Some would kill themselves, while others would take their fury and redirect it somewhere else, causing a genocide.

She could finally see that Igor had been referring to himself back then. After she died, he was broken beyond repair.

‘The blood of the Queen Mother, who’d cold-bloodedly killed many members of the Royal Family without batting an eyelash, is also running through my veins. I think I made the right decision by allowing you to choose. It’s better for you to live somewhere safe, surrounded by trustworthy people, rather than by my side. That would be better for the baby as well.’

The letter was coming to an end.

‘Rihannan. Many times I imagined a future where I’d look at you and see light wrinkles adorning your eyes while your silver hair turned a beautiful shade of white. You are beautiful now, but I’m sure you’ll be even more beautiful in the future.’

Reading those words, Rihannan couldn’t help an empty laugh from escaping her lips. The man who’d never told her she was beautiful was now saying he loved her. It was a letter filled with affection sent at the very last moment, when they’d never see each other again.

‘I wished for my time with you in this life to last for eternity, and at the same time I wished for the twilight of our lives to arrive as soon as possible. By then we would have spent decades of our lives together, and I would no longer have to maddeningly worry about my fear of losing you again. In all honesty, I’d wished to spend my life growing old by your side. Now I know that my wish was not meant to be.’

Rihannan felt something unrecognizable surging from the bottom of her heart. Her eyes welled with hot tears. She had to let out a sigh when she felt something pressing hard against her chest.

‘I hope you have a wonderful life, Rihannan. Live the life you couldn’t in your past.’

And that was it. There was nothing else written below, just a blank space. Rihannan took the other thing that was in the envelop.

It was a feather. Under the shiny light of the sun, the feather swayed gently in her hand with the sea breeze. The golden feather she’d thrown to this very sea six years ago was once more in her hand, as though destiny was making fun of her.

A tear dropped on the feather. Rihannan didn’t even bother trying to wipe the seemingly endless tears that were rolling down her cheeks. She cried for a long time.